Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Be still, my beating vagina.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
