Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
