You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
