Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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