fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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