I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
