I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
