Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
