Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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