The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
