She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I look excited, but its just a facade.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
