U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
