I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
