Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
