I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
