He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
