I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
