I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
