I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
