I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
