Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
