I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
