So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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