now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
