My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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