I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
