Where are you?
In a non slutty way
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
