just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize