Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
