I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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