My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
