I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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