Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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