She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
