but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
