Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
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