i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
