could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
