I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
