HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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