I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize