Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
