i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize