I wish I only lived at night.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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