that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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