Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
