things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
