It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
