I'm gonna have a badass scar
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
