ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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