I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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