I'm pants shitting drunk right now
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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