dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize