she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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