She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
