dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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