for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
