Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
