are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
