Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
