Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
